George Michael sang “You gotta have faith.” I’m not sure what kind of faith he was talking about, but I want to lay all the cards on the table about my faith.
So here’s the deal. My belief in God is as concrete as the floor in my garage. I don’t even think of it as belief or faith. God is as real to me as any thing, any living person could be. Since I was a kid, God has spoken to me directly, many times, and continues to do so. Not any kind of booming voice from the sky, I mean, c’mon, get real here. But He has spoken to me through various Pastors over the years, sent a bible verse my way at an opportune time, or just planted a thought in my head that I know was a direct line.
There are two kinds of people I imagine reading this that have kept me from sharing. The first is the biblical scholar. Somebody who knows the Bible in and out, and knows I am just plain GETTING IT WRONG with some of the things I say. The second is the person who has known me for a while. Maybe sees me and thinks I’m still the same profane jackass I have always been. I have nothing to say to either of these folks in defense of myself. Like Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”
So why am I sharing this now? Well, God has been nudging me toward it, has continued to speak to me. I think it is why I am still here, this sharing. That’s all I can figure. There is no earthly reason why I should have survived Stage IV colon cancer for this long. I must be here for a reason, God wants to use me for something. I have thought for some time that He has left me here to help people. A rather vague purpose, I know, but He is sharpening the point now.
Initially I knew I had to help folks out, that was one of my first thoughts in the hospital two years ago. And of course I first thought of music. God gave me a mediocre talent at best for musicianship, but I thought that was my best chance to share what I was experiencing. I know music can make people happy, and lift their hearts. It is also a tremendous avenue to share faith.
For a time, my ability to play guitar was taken away. All I had left was my voice. Oddly enough, my voice seemed to improve. I have always felt more confident singing in church, better able to hit the notes, etc. I wondered what I could do with just my voice. Duh. How about joining the church choir, dumm esel? That has been a lot of fun and I haven’t mucked it up too badly.
Now my guitar playing is back, and other avenues have opened as well. I related that I was going to play drums for our worship group at church, “Not Yet.” That went better than I expected. Quite a few folks found it hard to believe it was my first time playing a whole song with a band. Any drummer in the crowd would have noticed immediately. All was good except for my right foot. It seems to have a mind of its own. That is the foot that hits the kick, or big bass drum. It was either playing too fast, or too slow, or not at all. Sometimes it was trying to do all three at once. Spastic, I tell you! Oh well. A splendid time was had by all.
So here I am, sharing my faith. With you. With my family in faith at St. Paul. While I don’t necessarily like to talk about it to anybody who comes along, my prayer has been that my faith shines from me like a light. Ha! How’s that been working out? Hee hee. Just had to laugh when I typed that.
There was a bunch of stuff that prompted this essay. I had lots of ideas when I started. I haven’t got to them all, but I think that is enough for now.
As always, live, laugh, love
Geetar Dave
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
Albert Einstein, shamelessly stolen from the lovely and talented Rachel Fiechtner on Facebook
So, much to tell you, so much going on. Where to start.
Let’s start with the milestone. Last week, January 18, marked the two-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. One of the specialists in Indy last fall told me that median survival for a Stage IV colon cancer patient was 2 years. I figured I had made it above the median, then. Just so happened I saw the local doc on the 18th and told him this. He said the median survival was now 3 ½ years. So, should I be happy because median survival went up or not happy because now I haven’t made the median? Who knows. The doc also said that information from 9 months ago is too old. Cancer treatment is changing that fast. This I do know is a good thing.
The doc also made two things clear last week. I have an incurable disease. At least for now. And I am doing very well for a guy with an incurable case of cancer.
Had a scan last Friday. This was a new type of scan for me, a PET/CT scan. They inject a radioactive isotope attached to glucose molecules. Cancer cells take up the glucose, and thus the radioactive stuff. This makes your cancer cells glow! It does not, I found out to my disappointment, impart any superpowers. A CT scan shows the size of stuff, the PET/CT makes the cancer light up.
I received the results this morning. I approached this with some trepidation, since the last scan was kind of disappointing. We were greatly relieved to get good news. There was an enlarged lymph node in my chest in November that has shrunk back to normal and shows no signs of cancer. Yee-ha! The other enlarged node in my abdomen has shrunk, but not back to normal and does show cancer cells. We knew there would be some, I will always have them somewhere. There were no other signs of cancer except for this one lymph node. Lungs, liver, totally clear. This was about the best news I could have hoped for. The current every-week treatment is working.
Many blessings. The treatment is working. The side effects are best described as annoying, not debilitating. I have a great amount of my strength back, I can do just about anything I care to. Just have to get my lazy butt out of the chair to do it.
As I left the doc’s office this morning, the first thing I said to God, after “Thank You,” was “I don’t deserve this.” I’m not sure why this was the first thing that came out. Just the way I feel. I feel like I have been lax in my faith since the scan in November. I kinda figured God had more important things to worry about than my sorry butt. So I certainly haven’t done much to gain God’s favor.
Ain’t that the great thing about Christ’s salvation? Don’t have to “do” anything.
I was sent this bible verse from an old friend of the family whose husband had been battling with a brain tumor. Actually I stole it from her blog, but I think bible verses are public domain. From Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” I haven’t been very patient. Isn’t it weird that as humans we can learn lessons, then forget them, then have to relearn them again? Odd, frustrating, wonderful.
This Sunday we are once again doing a contemporary service at our church. The members of our small group of musicians are always excited about this. We are blessed with some very talented people. This time I have talked Erik into playing the bass guitar. Turns out he’s a natural with it! This will free me up to play drums. Have I ever played drums before? Well, no. That won’t stop me from trying. I’ll let you know how that works out for me. Regardless, it will truly be a joyous occasion.
Joyous and made even more so by our good news. To give you an idea of what this news means, I can now think about April and going away with my lovely wife for a weekend during spring break. I can think about getting my hot rod car out of storage in April and driving it this summer. I can look forward to camping and NASCAR races this summer. As long as we keep beating this thing back, I’m gonna keep dreaming big.
Live, love, laugh.
Geetar Dave
“Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today.” James Dean
"The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful."
She certainly handled her cancer and dying from it with grace and dignity. May she rest in peace. I follow stuff like this rather carefully. Trying to learn how to die. I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but death doesn't scare me, it is dying that is rather disconcerting. I suppose my biggest fear is that I won't be able to handle it, that I won't be able to die with the grace and dignity Elizabeth Edwards, and others, have displayed. Afraid that I'll go out screaming, whimpering and whining like some little punk. I would hate that. So, I watch people like Elizabeth, Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Michael Douglas. Watch, and hopefully learn something.
A few years back our good friends at the NASCAR race, the Schertzer's, brought a young man with them named Ronnie. I would guess Ronnie was somewhere in his 20's then. He was a hell of a blues guitar player and singer. He and I, with a few compadres, roamed the campground with guitars that weekend and had a grand old time meeting people and playing them a few tunes. The next year he came back with his wife and we again had a great time playing and singing.
While I have been having my own duel with cancer, I learned that Ronnie was fighting cancer too. Dave & Doris Schertzer passed through town last week and Dave told me Ronnie had passed away November 19. He leaves behind his wife and two sons. He was a good one. Rest in peace, Ronnie.
This is Jimmy V week on ESPN. If you have seen Jim Valvano's speech from the Espy awards shortly before he passed away from cancer, it is something you will never forget. Funny and moving. There is another one who went out with grace and dignity.
Ok, well, I'm not gonna die of cancer tonight, or tomorrow either, so let's get on with life.
Last week I had my first treatment of the the new regimen, the full blown four hour chemo. Today I had the one hour treatment of Erbitux alone. It seems as if I will be able to tolerate this round of treatment quite well, although I slept quite a bit last week. That ain't all bad.
Keep on keepin' on, peeps.
Live, laugh, love.
Geetar Dave
"If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day." Jim Valvano
It was, once again, good news/bad news. Which ain't all bad. In fact, I'm taking it as more good than bad. You might say it was S.O.S. Not the distress call.
I wrote the above last Tuesday. It is now Monday, 11/29/10. I couldn’t bear to throw those paragraphs away. Don’t quite know why. They aren’t that profound. I guess since part of this is for me to go back and remember what I was thinking/feeling at a point in time, that may be the reason. Irregardless (yes, I know, Lori hates it when I do that), there it is.
I just finished the latest Stephen King book. He is truly my favorite writer, when he is doing his best work. This one was right up there. I realized while reading it I stole many of my writing quirks from him.
This book is called Full Dark, No Stars. It consists of four stories. I don’t call them short stories, they are longer than that. Shorter than novellas. Just stories. I think I may enjoy his short writing the best. The first book of his that I read was a book of true short stories called The Monkey House. Or, at least I thought it was. Looking now at a list of his writings, it must have been Night Shift from 1978. I am too lazy to go look on my bookshelf to see for sure. I think I still have it. I loved the way that when I was reading I could be scared spitless by the story, and then be laughing out loud at the next sentence. That’s quite a talent to have. I also remember the cover to the paperback. (This may be a lie, too, since I didn’t remember the name of the book.) It showed a bandaged hand, like a mummy, palm to the viewer. The bandages were slipping and showed tiny eyes peeking out of the bends in the fingers. I’ve got that going on. The Erbitux I am currently on dries my skin. The creases in my fingers dry and crack, leaving little open wounds that look like eyes. Pretty cool, huh? Only two or three at a time, usually, but it still makes me recall this book cover every time I look at them.
I looked downstairs. I no longer have the book. His website only shows the hardback cover. Being the resourceful dude that I am, I looked for the paperback on eBay and sure enough there it was, eyes and all. Maybe I should buy it. Hmmm…
Ha! I just put a bid on a copy that still has the original paperback front cover. It is plain blue and just has holes showing the little eyes peeking through. Then you open it and the inside cover shows the hand. Too cool! By the time I got hold of my original copy of Night Shift back in 1979, the front cover was gone and all you saw was the hand. Wish me luck.
I was already a Steve King fan by the time we married in 1984. Lori bought me a King book as a wedding present to take on our honeymoon. The Talisman, I believe. Since then I have gotten a Stephen King book for many special occasions, especially anniversaries. Fortunate for me he is such a prolific writer. All the books she has given me have a hand-written inscription from her inside. Beyond the books, which I treasure, these little notes are precious to me. Come over and check ‘em out sometime! I still have them all lined up on my bookshelf.
My little trip downstairs to look for Night Shift got me to reminiscing about my books, many of which are like old friends, and most of which I still have. I loan them out, of course, but almost always get them back (apparently not Night Shift!). The closest call was when I loaned the entire six-book original version of The Green Mile. They were almost lost to me, but did come back eventually. I was grateful for that. Just now saw ‘em, as a matter of fact.
Saw some of my faves down there I had all but forgotten about. Norman Mailer’s Executioner’s Song about Gary Gilmour, and Mailer’s Ancient Evening. Tons of Tom Clancy. Richard Brautigan and Tom Robbins from the old days. Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank that I read several times. Another one I read several times in the old days, Dealing: Or the Berkeley to Boston Forty Brick Lost Bag Blues by Michael Douglas (a pseudonym of Michael and Douglas Crichton). What intrigued me about that one was that the bad guys, in the end, turned out to be the good guys, and the good guys were the bad guys. It ended with the good/bad guys beating the bad/good guys. Ya gotta cheer about that. King’s latest book has a lot of that, good guy is really the bad guy and vice versa. Good stuff. Life’s like that a lot, isn’t it?
My scan showed that the spot on my liver is gone, or not detectable anyway. Yay! But, I still have a couple of swollen lymph nodes, evidence of the cancer metastasis. Swollen only slightly, but swollen nonetheless (Mr. Sanders, you only have a little bit of cancer!).
So, what do we do? We could stick with the Folfiri, a combination of three drugs, and replace the Erbitux with Vectibix hoping to buy more time until the new generation of drugs comes out. In the end, we decided to stick with the Folfiri and Erbitux every two weeks, which I was doing before, and adding the Erbitux alone in the off weeks. Obviously this treatment was working to some extent. Better to try this little bit extra and buy just a little more time if we can. Give the good ol’ FDA a chance to approve these drugs in the pipeline.
That is where we are at. I started today. woo-hoo. Does the chemo get old, you ask? Back atcha I say does breathing get old? You gotta do it to live, right?
By the Grace of God, I live on.
Geetar Dave
Regardless, I plan to live tomorrow. That's all I can do.
Live on.
Geetar Dave
I ain't skeert.
Haha!
Life is good.
God loves you. He loves me too, but He REALLY loves you.
Share the love.
Geetar Dave
“Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord” John Prine
My hands are coming back wonderfully. The fine feeling has almost entirely returned. They still tingle, but typing, guitar playing, buttoning shirts, all those little things, are once more in my abilities.
The line above from John Prine is a little prayer I say every time I realize I am doing something I was unable to do a year ago. Like being able to button the cuffs on a long sleeve shirt. Impossible not too long ago. This prayer makes me smile every time I say it, both because I am realizing a simple joy and blessing and because it is from a John Prine song.
My feet are starting to get some feeling back too. A bit of a mixed blessing. They hurt quite a bit, but I guess as long as they hold me up, I’ll keep waddling around on them.
Next week, on the 17th, I have my “post-cycle” scan. I see the good doctor on the 23rd to get the results. We then make a plan for moving forward. The good thing is that I get an extra week off from chemo. I am pretty sure I will be back at it, but I don’t know to what extent. Of course, there is always that chance of a miracle, though, eh? Well, let’s keep hopin’.
Now, what is really interesting is my son Erik. Lots of you already know how amazing this kid is. I don’t claim any credit for how he turned out. I am just as awed and amazed as anybody by his accomplishments. What you need to know is how close he plays his cards to the vest. He is outgoing and funny and will talk your ear off about the latest episode of “Family Guy” or “The Office.” But try and get any deeper than that and you hit a brick wall. Tough to get him to talk about what he is feeling or thinking.
He is applying to colleges now. At the top of his list is MIT. No kiddin’. It is reality that he could get accepted. It remains to be seen whether he can figure out how to go there, financially. We’ll all cross that bridge when we get there. That’s not what I want to talk about. For his application he had to write answers to several questions, I guess to judge his character or whatever. Anyway, I read the answers to most of his questions, and they were very thoughtful and I was proud of him. He had not answered the last question yet. The last question was “Tell us about the most significant challenge you have faced or something important that didn’t go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?”
His answer, when his Mom emailed it to me a couple of days later, blew me away. Here it is:
"My mom calls it “Black Sunday.” I was working on a project with a friend when my mom opened my door to tell us that an ambulance was on its way for my dad. She came home and found him passed out on the bathroom floor from excessive blood loss. They discovered my dad had a malignant tumor on his colon, and that the cancer had also spread to his liver."
"My dad was always one to regularly exercise and play with us kids, and I don’t ever remember him being sick or missing a day of work. This was a total shock to me. In my mind, he was resilient and nearly invincible. This image made it all the more alarming to see him brought down."
"As the oldest boy in the household, I had to step up and stay strong for my mom and younger brother. It was hard for me to support them and stay positive when inside I was unsure mentally and emotionally about everything. It became easier to stay strong, however, the more I talked to, and saw, my dad. Every time I went to the hospital, he acted just like he did at home; he was either laughing and in good humor, or sleeping. My dad has stayed tough. Even today, knowing that he will be on chemo the rest of his life, he still remains strong and even made the 27 mile trek to work on his bike this year."
Wow. I suppose he noticed me hanging around the house more than I realized. I reiterate that I don’t take any credit. I didn’t do any “active parenting” that I recall. I didn’t read all the child psychology books, try to raise his self esteem, etc. I just loved him. I guess it worked.
Share the love.
Geetar Dave
On Success:
Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.
Abraham Lincoln
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Erma Bombeck
Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.
J. Paul Getty
How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?
Logan P. Smith
I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
Jonathan Winters
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
Michael Jordan
“He is like a tree planted beside streams – a tree that produces fruit in season and whose leaves do not wither. He succeeds in everything he does.” Psalm 1:3, God’s Word edition.
So, listen, here is an email I sent Lori this week on Election Day after getting up early to get to the polls:
"Funny, I was thinking this morning about God sending me signs. Had good traffic, green lights, etc. Didn't have to wait too long at the polls (saw Sally Shriner). Got to 7-11 for my coffee and my favorite kind of coffee was sitting there in the pot nearest to me (Brazilian Bold), and I thought, "wow, there's another sign!" I got in the car and when the radio came on it was playing "Signs" by the Five Man Electrical Band. Not only that, but it was right at the line that says "Thank you Lord for thinkin' about me, I'm alive and doin' fine." That was wild enough to blow my mind, but just now I was on hold with a vendor and their on-hold radio station was going through the traffic, weather, blah blah blah. Then the DJ says "and here's 'Signs' by the Five Man Electrical Band" and the song started playing just before the vendor came on line. I laughed and told her to put me back on hold so I could hear the song! Haha!
Is that wild or what? God loves me."
Ain't life grand?
God loves you, too. Share the love.
Geetar Dave
Okay, so the first thing that happened next is that we went to a seminar in Chicago at Northwestern Hospital. Beautiful buildings, awesome facility right in the heart of downtown. It was a free seminar sponsored by the Colon Cancer Alliance. Millions of people in Chicago and maybe 50 showed up for this excellent seminar. Unbelievable. They were amazed we drove 90 miles to get there.
Anyway we heard from specialists in 4 different areas of oncology. They talked about the cutting edge of treatment for colon cancer. The cool thing is that we were familiar with most of what they were talking about. That means my docs are up on the latest and we are still on the right track. Most excellent.
The next appointment with my onc was cool too. I mentioned I saw an article in the paper about him being a runner and doing triathlons. I told him I had gone for a bike ride the night before. We then went on to discuss for several minutes bike riding and racing and his need to figure out how to change a flat tire. Here's a very busy dude, sitting and shooting the breeze with me about biking.
Speaking of biking, I did end up riding my bike to work. Well, actually I took it to work and rode it home that night, then back the next morning. Amounts to the same thing, except that I get more recovery time between rides. God was watching me on these rides. The weather was about perfect. I had a tailwind on my way home at night. By morning the wind had shifted and I once again had a tailwind. I made it to work in the morning without having to unclip from my pedals once in over 18 miles. Think about it, all the way through Mishawaka, past Notre Dame, through South Bend and across the state line into Niles. All those intersections, stop lights and signs, and I didn't have to come to a complete stop. Got green lights and clear sailing the whole way. Silly to think God was watching, just a coincidence? Think again, chief.
Had an awesome early October weekend of camping with a bunch of buds. We had like 5 campsites, a bunch of people. Caught the Indian Summer, had temps in the low 80's. Good times and great friends.
Still runnin' and gunnin'. Mishawaka High School football team stands at 9-0 going into sectionals this week. Fall colors are about peak and my leaf sucker-upper is working like a champ. Soccer season is over, and while the record wasn't that great, both we and the boys had fun.
Treatment 11 comes up Monday. I took my guitar to chemo last time and they seemed to like it, so I might take again this time around. After #12 we take another scan and regroup.
By the way, are you listening? Just wondering.
Live, laugh, love.
Geetar Dave
Every morning I drive past a church on Highway 12 on my way to work. Like many churches they have a sign out front where they change the saying about once a week. Sometimes funny, usually thought provoking.
Shortly after the spot was found on my liver and it upped the ante in this game some, I drove past this church with its sign. The message that day was simple:
"Expect a miracle."
Listen: God sends me signs.
Live, laugh, love. Listen. God sends you signs too.
Geetar Dave
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